The Waiting is the Hardest Part

The last 12 months have been pretty tough. My personal life has been a roller coaster, normally I like roller coasters, but not this one.  I like to take action, to do something! I've been known to work nights and weekends to get work done when my job requires it, often to the chagrin of friends and family.  I can put the time in and get it done. That's why this season has been so hard for me.  I can't do anything to fix it. I need to rest in the Lord and wait for Him to direct my next steps. 

Earlier this year the message at the Crossroad's Christian Church Men's Retreat hit me hard. In the following weeks the All In small groups (based on the book All In by Mark Batterson) had me struggling. The book starts out with packing your coffin. What was the next step in my life? What was my purpose? Where did God want me to go from here? The questions came quickly. The small group ended in the spring, and it is now September, and I still don't have answers. But I did come to a realization.

In order for me to get to the next phase in my life, I have to allow Jesus to peel away the remaining strongholds of my life like layers of an onion, and rebuild me from the inside out.  I have dreams. I have ambitions. They are good dreams, and they are noble dreams, but they may not be God's dream for me. So in this time of rebuilding, I have to wait and let Jesus rebuild me to His purpose and plans.  In light of eternity what is one or two years, really.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. - Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, And He delights in his way. - Psalm 37:23 (NASB95)

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” - James 4:14-15 (NIV)

your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. - Psalm 139:16 (NIV)

I know I have written that waiting is hard for me. I get impatient. Recently though my Pastor preached a message called A Pilgrim or A Wanderer. In it Pastor Pat Kleitz laid out this principle that simultaneously put things in perspective and convicted me.

"Whenever you go through a trial or difficult time; (wilderness experience) and it becomes more about you than about God it will always cost your deliverance from that experience. If you grumble and complain about it; IT will turn from the joy of redemption to bitterness in your heart; to anger at God or at a person; you will blame others and focus on how you have been mistreated, neglected, or given a raw deal in life. You will drag the difficulty through the desert like a millstone around your neck and it will turn you from a Pilgrim walking through the desert; to a wanderer who will die without seeing your redemption."

Over the past 12 months I have grumbled on more than one occasion.  Thankfully the ground didn't open up and eat me for lunch. Since this message I am aware of it and trying to stop. I am not always successful there. Thank God for Grace.  

While I wait, I am currently reading the Book of Job. Job was a righteous man who suffered much as a test and was eventually restored. What struck me was Job 1:20-21. 

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

and naked I will depart.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Right after God allowed Satan to destroy all of Job's flocks and kill his children, Job still praises God! Through it all, even while scraping himself on an ash heap, Job doesn't charge God with wrongdoing.

I'm not sure I would respond like Job in such unwavering faith.

While I wait, I will continue to allow God to rebuild me to be more like his Son. I look forward to the next season of life, but know I can't rush it, and I shouldn't grumble about it. God's time is not my time.

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. - 2 Peter 3:8-9

And God's ways are not my ways. I am but dust and spit. By the grace of God go I.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”  declares the Lord. ⁹     “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. -  Isaiah 55:8-9

Or as The Message puts it

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.” - Isaiah 55:8-9

And now for something completly different.- Poems

With the almost fatal hard drive crash last week. I decided to go forward with a blog I'd been thinking about for awhile. I've decided to go into the archive and post some of my older poetry, most of which was written in college. 

I have the originals in spiral notebooks in a closet someplace, but back in the 90's I typed most of it up on my first computer. I think I used Windows Write which came with Windows 3.0 originally, then upgraded to MS Works, and then finally to Microsoft Word. Much of this is 20+ years old now. I'm no Shakespeare, Yeats, Robert Frost or Edward Thomas. I just thought this would be a fun blog.

While typing this blog I've been listening to The Hip, and included a link to an appropriate song from You Tube below.
The Hip -Poets

So here they are some of my early works in no particular order. As I dust these poems off and bring them into the light for the first time in awhile I'm still happy with the way they came out.

According to my notes I wrote this one May 2, 1993 while working the Night desk at Fredonia State College. That was a fun job 2 am- 7am on Friday or Saturday night letting residents back in the dorm.

Blender

Love is a many-splintered thing

Inside fuzziness, vague happiness, uncontrolled giddiness.

It’s a mess, mixedupedness

Not so with me

I’m in love.

Foolish, you say

Yeah, Maybe,

Strange?

Oh definitely!

Why?

Don’t know

That’s the Beauty

She’s beauty

Really,

Truly.

My notes on the next one say May 9, 1994, written in 3 minutes. Reading it now it sounds like I may have been in my Robert Smith phase at the time.

 

Desire

These words on a page

Weathered with age

Mean Nothing without you,

You complete their meaning.

Give them vibrance and life.

Without you they cut like a knife

And my blood runs streaming,

Down these words on a page

Weathered with age.

Reading the notes  January 27, 1995, last semester at Fredonia. I wrote this in one of my favorite classes, Stars & Galaxy's. at 8 am. The professor must have been boring that day.

Walking

Have you ever seen the wind blow?

Across the fields and through the snow?

On a cold and brisk winters night

I went for a walk in all the white.

And all my dreams began to unravel

The more and more and more I traveled.

Not many notes on this one just February 5, 1994. The subject matter probably tells enough about my mental state at the time. "woman..can't live with them, can't shoot them, I can't get a date with them, pass the beer nuts." Not sure which of my "roommates" made that quote up. Reminds me of the one time I was unhappy about my ability to get a date and I played Garth Brooks The Dance for about 6 hours on repeat. Ryan, if you are reading this sorry man!

Solitaire

I got dissed, it bites

(shuffle, shuffle, shuffle,....)

Second time in two nights

(Deal, Deal, Deal,....)

I don't know what I expected

(six of hearts on 7 of clubs...)

Why did I think it would be different

(move the two of spades up)

I shouldn't have listened to the guys

(shuffle, flip aahhh....)

Their advice wasn't wise

(nine of clubs on ten of diamonds...)

"Just ask her, it can't hurt."

(five of diamonds on six of spades...)

Man she looked so cute, in that skirt

(King of hearts over....)

I thought I might have had a chance

(flip, flip, flip,...)

Even if it had been only this one dance.

(running out of options ....)

Maybe this anxiety will just go away

(ten of hearts on jack of spades)

Hell, I wouldn't even know what to say

(flip, I need that stupid Queen )

By now I've waited to long

(King of spades over, Darn)

I don't even know how my feelings belong

(It's over, I lost)

I hate this stupid game of mine

(shuffle, shuffle, shuffle,... )

But at least it passes the time

(shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, ...)

My notes on this next one say May 20, 1993 at Basileia (Intervarsity Christian fellowship Summer camp)

Fragile

“It's like playing baseball in a glass house," said he,

"Whenever I'm trying to deal with she."

"I know seems to me she needs a sticker 'fragile use care.'"

Fragile, a finely crafted vase, perfectly formed, without compare

Wrought by the master, totally unique.

Fragile, a spider's web, beauty of nature, mystique.

Fragile, crystal, faceted sides shinning in radiant beauty.

Fragile, roses in bloom, petals of red, nothing else needs to be said.

Fragile, is a precious thing of immeasurable worth.

She has, she's the only one on this earth.

All my notes say about the next one is December 1992.  

My Rose

Trees are nature's canvas when autumn comes.

Red maples, yellow oaks, green pine shine bright

Leaves crackle underfoot as I walk through the trees

Out in the fields, the grass is withering brown.

Winter waits for its turn on center stage,

For now I marvel at nature's handiwork as it stretches in the breeze.

It's beautiful.

Beauty becomes my rose too.

Delicate like the trees, alive like the breeze

It is the last wild red rose of the year.             

It is unique, special, just like you.

One final one, I remember writing this one at night at Basileia 1993 outside Cabin D&H  at a Camp near Albany NY. same time frame when I wrote Fragile.

FOG

Misty faces in misty places, why even try?

Cold fronts meet warm fronts in the May sky.

Rolling in like a blanket over the ground,

Surrounding me on all sides is solitude, not a sound.

Returning home finds me drifting  in the fog.

Thoughts appear then float away,

Silence is my way today

I can only wait and see what tomorrow may be

Waiting is so hard for me.

The street light above gives off a brilliant white glow

Not unlike the light on a mountain years ago--

The brilliance of Jesus in pure form

His love and grace envelop me unlike any natural storm.

Hope in Him is mine, for love is divine.

Lifeline of hopes and dreams, mine.

All things will become clear with time.